Dealing with Loss

When someone loses a loved one, recognizing the grief they have is easy to understand.  But if someone loses a friend by circumstance or change (not death), it does not seem to generate the same compassion, but should.

Any loss is painful.  Anytime there is a change, it can hurt.  It is important to recognize that such experiences can feel like grief – the tearing apart of something dear.  Pretending that it is not what it is, just masks the wound and does not allow the proper process to take place for healing.  Just like grief (the feeling of separation or the knowledge of “no longer”), it will go through the same phases.  The phase of shock, deep pain, anger, understanding then the low buzz that tends to last the longest as each day rolls into another, without that which once was.

Be sure to honor the process of change, not only on the surface level where its clear to decide upon, but also on the layers beneath.  We are not our heads, we are our hearts.

I am often asked about such emotional things even though they are not listed on the seminar’s agenda.  Most recently in south beach, I was asked to help someone with emotion.  With only 2 minutes to give her an answer, I simply said, “honor them”………… that is the start.

Strangers That Teach Us

On the way home from Greensboro, NC, I slammed into a “teacher”. This young man sat next me, immediately introduced himself and started talking…..and talking….. and talking.  It was like being in my own company since I am “silence-challenged” myself.

Chatty Cathy doll meets Chatty Cathy boy.

I was weary and in no mood to talk, but with each new thing he shared, I was learning something.  It was not the facts he was sharing, but the wisdom that was whispering. I listened, I heard and I learned – exactly what I needed to, in that moment.

The lesson?  Always be open.  Always allow magic.  Just when you think you will be dropping your exhausted head in a fashion magazine on a tiny jet that strained your nerves, you just might have your life changed…..in exactly 30 minutes…..with a stranger…….by one conversation.

Four Magic Words – “You must have felt”

“You must have felt” is a key phrase when emotion runs high in all human relationships. These words can cure emotional cancer.  When someone we care about is expressing emotion (or a colleague is sharing an emotional concern) jumping immediately to the solution or judging the emotion is the fastest way to invalidate, downplay and dismiss another person’s experience.   If you happen to be the cause of the pain or frustration?….it can kill the relationship.

At vulnerable times, it is essential to allow those that we care about to express exactly what they feel whether WE like it or not.  At that moment, it is not about us but the person we care about (who may be in pain).  Jumping to our own experience before the individual feels understood sends a message of indifference.

“You must have felt” or “You must feel” is a interpersonal script that can be used to heal almost any grievance.  Not saying it can send the opposite message which can generate even more frustration and indifference from the person that is seeking to be understood.

Always remember, that if you value someone and they have negative emotion to express, do not judge it, do not rush it, do not try to fix it and most importantly, do not dismiss it.  When a person feels dismissed on an issue of great importance, the message sent regardless of what is actually said is this – “I don’t care enough to take the time to understand how you feel.  Its not worth it to me”.  That message can sever any bond formally built.

The greatest need of the human soul is simply to be understood.,,,memorize these four magic words and watch all of your relationships transform.

Shed the Old, Embrace the New

It is very important to recognize when something needs to be shed in our lives.  When it feels heavy, is holding you back or is no longer aligned with who you are  – or want to be!

If you have a hard time letting something go, the below questions may help:
1. Does the person/circumstance/habit etc. makes me feel good or bad?
2. Does it add to my life or take something away?
3. Is it for my highest good?
4. Does it support me, or break me down?…..and of course, is it worth any more of my time!

Knowing when to “let go” is just as important as knowing when to “hold on”.  It can be even harder to let go if we are habitually attached. Its actually less about what/whom you are giving up, and more about a habit that needs breaking!

The same goes for projecting an ideal image onto a not so great reality.  We get lost in the illusion of perfection we project, and can completely miss the reality of the person/situation until it hits us on the head!

For example:  Did you ever think you were in love with someone only to find out your were in love with the idea of them?  That you never really knew them at all to actually love them (we’ve all had one of those).  Its the same thing.  We can hinge ourselves to our own illusions of perfection and fail to realize the “prize” we hold dear (and cannot let go of) is just a puff in our own head!  That is why…it should be shed!  …I think I just rhymed.

The Fine Print With People

Those of us who are sixth sensory, may often find that picking up on energy, truth and intention from people and places, can sometimes be daunting.  In a mad search for clarity on what we are “picking up on” we attempt to throw at the wall a variety of situations that may be the “rotten egg” we smell.  Not a bad idea as you attempt for further clarity, but not the best idea either.

I have recently learned that if you smell something bad, it is.  Make it easy on yourself – trust your gut!  Regardless of the crafty language or attempts to bypass confrontation (with projection or the false declarations) we tend to know if a person should be in our lives or not.

If you feel something is off, it probably is.  You may never get the clarity you need, but you will make the right choice, as far as keeping your life filled with great people!  And when in doubt, simply watch how someone treats the people closest to them.  Do they treat them with integrity, honesty and forthrightness to the highest degree (not just their own rationalized degree)?  And if not, WATCH OUT!  You’re simply next! 

For example: my partner Paul and I (like any married couple) have our challenges and our delights.  But the one thing I know (and its the only thing I really need to know) is that our mutual honesty at all times (regardless of the content) is the most valuable quality on the planet – to me.  The honesty may make the mountains taller, but it also allows us to climb higher.  In short, who you are with one person, is who you are with everyone.

…so, when in doubt, trust the gut.  Its the fine print you can’t really read, but should!!

Real Courage

Real courage is the ability to confront our lives directly.  Sometimes that means it gets messy, sometimes it means emotion is involved and sometimes it means we stop “being so perfect” and become real.  That is courage.  The ability to love your whole self (textures, tastes and edges) enough to be honest about who you are, what you want, what is right and what is wrong for you, regardless of how you are perceived.  If in your authenticity, you tire or offend or misstep; at least you were true.

When we are courageous, we learn the difference between truth and illusion.  I have never regretted being fully human when I needed to be, regardless of how “pretty it is” to others. Those that avoid such vulnerable moments, probably have the habit of avoiding many things.

True authenticity will tell you who your friends are, who loves you or who does not, but most importantly, true authenticity leaves you with no regrets.  I have never felt in my entire life (with all of its changes and transformations) that I missed an opportunity to say, do or express my truth at a critical moment.  Because I always knew, that moment would be gone.

Tell people how you feel, say what you need to say, deal with situations with your greatest authenticity.  Have courage. That is where a peaceful gut and peaceful mind derive their strength. 

People Reading Made Simple

If you want to know the REAL story without getting lost in words, check out these indicators:

1. Patterns – Patterns reveal things.  They reveal values, priorities and preferences.  Often times an individual playing out patterns may not be aware of them or the messages they send.  It is up to you to notice and decide the proper course of action.

2. Behaviors -  There are no clever words that can trump actual behavior.  Behaviors (like patterns) reveal the truth.  What one chooses to do (or not do) tells the real story.  If you want to know how someone feels about “this, that or the other thing”, just watch their behavior.  Behavior simply says “this is what matters to me”, regardless of what is said.

3.  Projection – Now this is a real funny one.  I am sure we have all been guilty of this one because our lovely egos play a role.  This is when an individual is wrong and they attempt to craft it so that you somehow made them make that wrong choice.  Projection is when a person attacks the mirror, YOU happen to be holding up.

This simple wisdom, with time and practice, gives you the power to see the truth of almost any situation. It can help you make good choices and not be swayed by illusions.  In short, its people reading made simple.