Radio Interview (November 7, 2010) 1300 WMEL
Radio Interview with Dick Baumbach for Space Coast Reentry.
Topic: Personal Transformation after job loss
Look around you? Do you see more beauty or more fear? Today, Let’s make the world a more beautiful place by doing one small thing that will bring about more beauty in our world. This can be cleaning something up, saying something kind (makes someone’s face more beautiful) or adding something to your environment. Go ahead, do one small thing today…right now…with someone or something near by…and make this a lifelong habit.
Recently, while in Honduras I came a across a little girl who touched my heart. She was selling her goods with the only English word she knew – “pleeeaaaassseeee”. At first, I was annoyed at her approach. I said no at first, then watched her go person to person doing the same thing. With each clingy request, she was rejected. The more I watched, the more compassion I felt. I did not like her approach, but considering her size, it did not appear to be her choice either.
Finally, I decided to approach HER.
I said in a language she did not understand, ” I will give you three dollars for the prettiest one, but you need to pick it out for me”. She did not understand, but I could see in her eyes she was delighted at our exchange and I don’t think it was about selling the baubles going up her arm. We continued our ‘not understanding each other” display, but her smile got bigger and bigger as I physically tried to be understood with body language. I can be quite animated. I ended up picking one and paying her the three dollars.
With the three dollars in her hand I expected her to take off – mission accomplished! But her hanging around with a big grin for a few seconds just looking at me told me that this little person enjoyed our exchange even if she had no idea what I was saying. My buying the piece did not seem to be what made her feel good.
And I recalled the importance and value (in all situations before us) of kindness.
“It takes alot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power”
- Margaret Stortz
“The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you, and you don’t know how or why.”
- Albert Einstein
“As you begin to live in the present moment, you will experience a subtle but profound change. Worrying about the future will cease. A deep peace will enfold you, a peace that says, ‘all is well. There is nothing to fear. Everything is unfolding according to plan, and you are being guided each step along the way.”
- Douglas Bloch
On the way home from Greensboro, NC, I slammed into a “teacher”. This young man sat next me, immediately introduced himself and started talking…..and talking….. and talking. It was like being in my own company since I am “silence-challenged” myself.
Chatty Cathy doll meets Chatty Cathy boy.
I was weary and in no mood to talk, but with each new thing he shared, I was learning something. It was not the facts he was sharing, but the wisdom that was whispering. I listened, I heard and I learned – exactly what I needed to, in that moment.
The lesson? Always be open. Always allow magic. Just when you think you will be dropping your exhausted head in a fashion magazine on a tiny jet that strained your nerves, you just might have your life changed…..in exactly 30 minutes…..with a stranger…….by one conversation.
“You must have felt” is a key phrase when emotion runs high in all human relationships. These words can cure emotional cancer. When someone we care about is expressing emotion (or a colleague is sharing an emotional concern) jumping immediately to the solution or judging the emotion is the fastest way to invalidate, downplay and dismiss another person’s experience. If you happen to be the cause of the pain or frustration?….it can kill the relationship.
At vulnerable times, it is essential to allow those that we care about to express exactly what they feel whether WE like it or not. At that moment, it is not about us but the person we care about (who may be in pain). Jumping to our own experience before the individual feels understood sends a message of indifference.
“You must have felt” or “You must feel” is a interpersonal script that can be used to heal almost any grievance. Not saying it can send the opposite message which can generate even more frustration and indifference from the person that is seeking to be understood.
Always remember, that if you value someone and they have negative emotion to express, do not judge it, do not rush it, do not try to fix it and most importantly, do not dismiss it. When a person feels dismissed on an issue of great importance, the message sent regardless of what is actually said is this – “I don’t care enough to take the time to understand how you feel. Its not worth it to me”. That message can sever any bond formally built.
The greatest need of the human soul is simply to be understood.,,,memorize these four magic words and watch all of your relationships transform.
In the book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey talks about the importance of making emotional deposits in relationships. Like a bank account, he explains that healthy relationships thrive when there are more “deposits” made then “withdrawals”. A relationship can weather life’s withdrawals with a healthy account. Simple math, really. However, if no or very few deposits are made in the relationship, but withdrawals constant (which can be displayed in an infinite number of ways), it can damage the relationship, often leaving it irreparable. The relationship then becomes a ”delinquent account”. Try getting cash from “zero balance”. It just does not happen. Have you ever experienced a one-sided relationship that got old real fast?
At the end of the program after teaching this idea, participants always express enthusiasm for learning of the emotional bank account. I am excited at the value they see in practicing these principals, but remind them of one thing. I caution them not to make what I call “transparent deposits”. These are deposits made with the intent to gain something as a result of the deposit. For example; if someone needs something from you, and they quickly attempt to “deposit” with the intent to make an immediate withdraw, this point is missed entirely. I warn that this is not what the idea encourages. It encourages that with the relationships you value, it is essential to practice making genuine emotional deposits to sustain them.
Character is much easier kept then recovered. – Thomas Paine