“You must have felt” is a key phrase when emotion runs high in all human relationships. These words can cure emotional cancer. When someone we care about is expressing emotion (or a colleague is sharing an emotional concern) jumping immediately to the solution or judging the emotion is the fastest way to invalidate, downplay and dismiss another person’s experience. If you happen to be the cause of the pain or frustration?….it can kill the relationship.
At vulnerable times, it is essential to allow those that we care about to express exactly what they feel whether WE like it or not. At that moment, it is not about us but the person we care about (who may be in pain). Jumping to our own experience before the individual feels understood sends a message of indifference.
“You must have felt” or “You must feel” is a interpersonal script that can be used to heal almost any grievance. Not saying it can send the opposite message which can generate even more frustration and indifference from the person that is seeking to be understood.
Always remember, that if you value someone and they have negative emotion to express, do not judge it, do not rush it, do not try to fix it and most importantly, do not dismiss it. When a person feels dismissed on an issue of great importance, the message sent regardless of what is actually said is this – “I don’t care enough to take the time to understand how you feel. Its not worth it to me”. That message can sever any bond formally built.
The greatest need of the human soul is simply to be understood.,,,memorize these four magic words and watch all of your relationships transform.
